Butterfly Kisses

Today I saw a cardinal.  February 18, 2020. My last year in my thirties.  Yes, today is also my birthday.  Now why the heck is it important to write a blog on my birthday and who cares if I saw a cardinal right?! Let me tell you a little story…

One year ago yesterday my life was changed forever.  I went to bed just like I do every night prior to my birthday.  However, last  year about ten minutes after I got into bed my phone rang.  It was my dad’s wife.  It was so random.  Earlier that day he had texted me “happy birthday” only to realize that he was a day early.  So then when I see her calling me, I kind of froze.  I let it ring and then it went to voicemail.  I barely had the voicemail playing which was my younger half-brothers voice telling me dad was being rushed to the hospital.  I ended the voicemail and called back.  The next five minutes were like hours.  All I heard was ambulance, hospital, resuscitate, not responding, and not sure if he will make it.  My head was so heavy and then the tears.  My husband was pretty much already asleep but I tried to share with him what was going on.  I prayed and prayed that God was with my dad and that he would take care of him.  I went back to bed and just laid there, I have never felt like I did in that moment…NUMB.  I have heard people talk about feeling that way but I had never actually experienced it and there it was.  I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t sleep, I was just there.

So then it is my actual birthday.  I went through the day in a fog and went back and forth over what to do.  Do I go up to Sioux Falls and see my dad, do I wait and see what happens, or how long he is in hospital? I knew in the long run if I didn’t go see him I would regret it the rest of my life.  So I made sure my husband could pick up our oldest boy from school and I took my then youngest son with me (not only was it a traumatic time but I was also 7 months pregnant, cue all the emotions plus a bazillion!)  So I pack a few things and head to Sioux Falls for the day.  What followed is not how I envisioned the day and the next couple days unfolding.  I saw my dad at the hospital the day after my 38th birthday and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do.  He was sedated pretty well so there was not much communication.  I sat and sat and sat.  Talked to the medical staff and prayed some more.  There was not much for answers except that it was not looking good.  The worst part was there was a bad storm coming in and I had to get back to Nebraska, so I worked up all my courage walked up to my dad and took his hand.  I told him that I had to get going due to weather but that I loved him and that I was praying he would get better soon so that he cold meet his newest niece or nephew in a couple months.  All of a sudden the heart rate monitors started beeping and he was moving around.  Of course the nurse who came in didn’t say much but I just knew it was my dad responding to me.  It was his way of saying he heard me and that he loved me and it was his good-bye.  I came home that night in a blizzard and three days later my dad passed away.

This blog post was actually going to be written Father’s Day 2019 but I just couldn’t bring myself to write it so I kept putting it off. I kept thinking how about today, nope, how about this day, nope.  So let me explain why I was going to write this on Father’s Day.  Father’s Day 2019. I was driving to church with my kids (I let Matt hit the golf course as his father’s day present) and the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle comes on the radio.  I begin to cry and then it turned into full on sobs.  I wasn’t crying because my dad was the dad Bob sang about, I was crying because he was the exact opposite.  I cried because I was missing my dad and the new memories we had created in the last few years.  I was crying because I wanted the dad in the song.  I was also crying because a dear friend had gotten married and during the father/daughter dance her and her two sisters danced to that song because her dad was also up in heaven.  So I get to church with a tear stained face.  Emotions-1 Meegan – 0.  The pastor starts his message and yep, you guessed it, I lost it.  I had no idea that the first father’s day was going to hit me like a ton a bricks.  I mean I had gone through years of Father’s Days without really celebrating a father.  So when the emotions kicked in I was just a tad surprised. That day I sat with some really good girlfriends (probably best my hubs was on the golf course, not sure he could have dealt with all the emotions that were flowing that day).  So I cried and cried and soaked in all our pastor had to say and knew that God knew that I needed that day.

Today is one of those days.  I have always loved my birthday but this year leading up to it these last couple days have produced a little anxiety.  I went bed praying my phone would not ring with bad news and woke up praying for a good day.  It has been a great day.  I walked outside this morning to bring the garbage cans in and there up in the tree singing  its beautiful song was a cardinal.  I could not believe it! I have never really paid much attention to the whole seeing a cardinal thing but there it was.  God was showing me a sign.  I cried right there in the driveway (yep, I’m a crier).  So as the day comes to an end I know that my dad was wishing me a happy birthday! I knew that today was the perfect day to tell this story.

I may not have experienced butterfly kisses but today I saw a cardinal.