Today I saw a cardinal.  February 18, 2020. My last year in my thirties.  Yes, today is also my birthday.  Now why the heck is it important to write a blog on my birthday and who cares if I saw a cardinal right?! Let me tell you a little story…

One year ago yesterday my life was changed forever.  I went to bed just like I do every night prior to my birthday.  However, last  year about ten minutes after I got into bed my phone rang.  It was my dad’s wife.  It was so random.  Earlier that day he had texted me “happy birthday” only to realize that he was a day early.  So then when I see her calling me, I kind of froze.  I let it ring and then it went to voicemail.  I barely had the voicemail playing which was my younger half-brothers voice telling me dad was being rushed to the hospital.  I ended the voicemail and called back.  The next five minutes were like hours.  All I heard was ambulance, hospital, resuscitate, not responding, and not sure if he will make it.  My head was so heavy and then the tears.  My husband was pretty much already asleep but I tried to share with him what was going on.  I prayed and prayed that God was with my dad and that he would take care of him.  I went back to bed and just laid there, I have never felt like I did in that moment…NUMB.  I have heard people talk about feeling that way but I had never actually experienced it and there it was.  I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t sleep, I was just there.

So then it is my actual birthday.  I went through the day in a fog and went back and forth over what to do.  Do I go up to Sioux Falls and see my dad, do I wait and see what happens, or how long he is in hospital? I knew in the long run if I didn’t go see him I would regret it the rest of my life.  So I made sure my husband could pick up our oldest boy from school and I took my then youngest son with me (not only was it a traumatic time but I was also 7 months pregnant, cue all the emotions plus a bazillion!)  So I pack a few things and head to Sioux Falls for the day.  What followed is not how I envisioned the day and the next couple days unfolding.  I saw my dad at the hospital the day after my 38th birthday and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do.  He was sedated pretty well so there was not much communication.  I sat and sat and sat.  Talked to the medical staff and prayed some more.  There was not much for answers except that it was not looking good.  The worst part was there was a bad storm coming in and I had to get back to Nebraska, so I worked up all my courage walked up to my dad and took his hand.  I told him that I had to get going due to weather but that I loved him and that I was praying he would get better soon so that he cold meet his newest niece or nephew in a couple months.  All of a sudden the heart rate monitors started beeping and he was moving around.  Of course the nurse who came in didn’t say much but I just knew it was my dad responding to me.  It was his way of saying he heard me and that he loved me and it was his good-bye.  I came home that night in a blizzard and three days later my dad passed away.

This blog post was actually going to be written Father’s Day 2019 but I just couldn’t bring myself to write it so I kept putting it off. I kept thinking how about today, nope, how about this day, nope.  So let me explain why I was going to write this on Father’s Day.  Father’s Day 2019. I was driving to church with my kids (I let Matt hit the golf course as his father’s day present) and the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle comes on the radio.  I begin to cry and then it turned into full on sobs.  I wasn’t crying because my dad was the dad Bob sang about, I was crying because he was the exact opposite.  I cried because I was missing my dad and the new memories we had created in the last few years.  I was crying because I wanted the dad in the song.  I was also crying because a dear friend had gotten married and during the father/daughter dance her and her two sisters danced to that song because her dad was also up in heaven.  So I get to church with a tear stained face.  Emotions-1 Meegan – 0.  The pastor starts his message and yep, you guessed it, I lost it.  I had no idea that the first father’s day was going to hit me like a ton a bricks.  I mean I had gone through years of Father’s Days without really celebrating a father.  So when the emotions kicked in I was just a tad surprised. That day I sat with some really good girlfriends (probably best my hubs was on the golf course, not sure he could have dealt with all the emotions that were flowing that day).  So I cried and cried and soaked in all our pastor had to say and knew that God knew that I needed that day.

Today is one of those days.  I have always loved my birthday but this year leading up to it these last couple days have produced a little anxiety.  I went bed praying my phone would not ring with bad news and woke up praying for a good day.  It has been a great day.  I walked outside this morning to bring the garbage cans in and there up in the tree singing  its beautiful song was a cardinal.  I could not believe it! I have never really paid much attention to the whole seeing a cardinal thing but there it was.  God was showing me a sign.  I cried right there in the driveway (yep, I’m a crier).  So as the day comes to an end I know that my dad was wishing me a happy birthday! I knew that today was the perfect day to tell this story.

I may not have experienced butterfly kisses but today I saw a cardinal.

Hello New Year 2020!  WOW! First off some of you may be looking at this title and wondering where the heck is she going with this? Well it seemed fitting beings that I have started about 20 blogs in my head and then well….LIFE or one of my fav slang words “sh**storm”.  Now this word typically is used in a more negative connotation but I also use it for the positive too.  I am sure many of you have your go to word when life hands you some lemons or chaos or whatever you have going on in your day to day life.

We are entering month 9 with our third babe.  Speaking of said third babe, he is sitting right next to me in his high chair gumming on some teething wheels (yep, mom of the year) can you picture him in all of his cuteness.  But I digress…When you have your third babe in the throes of trying to get your writing off the group, having a small business that you are continuing to grow, move yet another time (only three miles away), and keeping your oldest two boys alive, well there just isn’t a manual for the above mentioned items.  So here goes nothing.

The last two months have been nothing short of full on buzzer-beater worthy chaos.  My little babe had RSV over Thanksgiving which led to an ear infection and that ear infection never went away.  Sooo two months and four antibiotics later we have tubes now! But that is not all… my little over achiever decided he needed to cut three, yep you read that right, three teeth since Christmas Eve.  Insert, waking lots during the night and only wanting to sleep elevated on good ole mom.  Life is good right?  Just like you see in magazines.  Just kidding but not really.  There has been lots of prayers, coffee, laughs (and tears) with good friends, listening to my get psyched music and wine, yep lots of that too.  I get that everyone says embrace the cuddles now because one day they won’t want to cuddle and yes that is all rose-colored glasses when it is not your babe that wants to be cuddled 24/7. These last couple months have given me perspective on things that I say to my momma friends for sure. Because frankly they don’t want to hear the rose-colored glasses comments when things are hard.  Things are just hard and that is ok too.  Yes we will look back (when the time is right) and probably laugh and share stories about whose sh**storm was worse, but in the moment it is just hard.  However, one thing I am learning is that it is ok to be in the sh**storm as long as you don’t let it take over your life and you get stuck.  How you go through the storm is also important.  I have been able to have lots of laughs during it which is not always the case with some people.  Prayer has helped with all of it.  My prayers and the many other friends who have offered up prayers for not only myself but our family.  Of course my prayers aren’t always answered that day but just getting it off my chest is huge! I started keeping  prayer journal at the start of 2020 and it is crazy to see that 3 of my prayers have been answered in just the first 13 days of the new year! From stuff with our small group, to health for my sweet babe to my mom and her new life in Omaha.  It is crazy to see God’s plan at work.

Yesterday at church our pastor mentioned that January 12 was the day that most resolutions go bust and while I didn’t make any resolutions this year (I know how awful is that, right?)  I feel that not only is there no disappointment it actually has been a reset. I mentioned I didn’t make any resolutions this year and mainly because I don’t want to focus on something that I may not be able to keep more then two weeks but I wanted to cover the year more broadly. So I chose a word for the year, yes that probably is cliche but I am going with it. My word this year is LIVE.  Before you get all how in the heck is that going to work let me explain.  It is such a big word but in the scheme of things 2020 is a big year.  It is 366 days long! After all 2019 was a big year too.  We brought in our third child, moved our family to our new-to-us home that we are beyond excited to make so many memories in, welcomed my mom to Omaha, gained many new friends along the way and also worked on some old friendships as well (thanks to good ole forgiveness and love).  Since we don’t force any major changes to our life this year I figured it is a good year to really LIVE! By that I mean eat the second donut if you want, stay up late just because or for the matter go to bed early just because too.  Take walks (long or short), watch a scary movie and then follow it up with a funny one.  Watch football all day (yep covered that one this weekend), have ice cream for dinner. Go out with friends, go on spontaneous dates with my hubby, cuddle up and read or just cuddle up. Dance in the kitchen while making dinner (goops do that one almost daily), don’t give up, choose forgiveness, and most of all make each day count! While this may seem like silly stuff to you, it is just the basics that I want remember each.  Give myself grace when I am not always at my best and give grace to others as well.  We put so much pressure on ourselves to lose weight, workout more, do this, do that.  In the end where does that get us, especially if we aren’t able to fulfill our resolutions or we see someone else rocking theirs but it takes all of the gumption in the world to just smile some days for others.  We are not perfect, spoil alert… we never will be! But the only thing that matter is that we matter to God.  The message that our church ended 2019 with was that we don’t need labels.  Man I loved that message it was so good.  What a phenomenal way to kick off the start of a new year.  What if we take off the labels we give ourself or the labels that we put on others.  Man, that sounds huge! I’m game, are you?

So as we enter the second full week of 2020 take a quick pulse.  Where are you?  If you have busted your resolutions already, that’s ok? Start over, today is a new day! Are you being nudged to forgive someone, do it.  Today is a new day? Is there something you are feeling called to do, try it, today is a new day! While I look out my window and see the foggy, dreary day, I hope that you can see the horizon and sun that while we can’t see it, it is out there. Be the light today! Start a fire (well not a real one, unless it is in a fireplace or contained).  In all seriousness though go out and make today a great one! What will your word or words be?  If you want take mine and LIVE!

Until next time, may you find the joy in YOUR journey!

It HAPPENED. Yep right there in the middle of my kitchen. It was Wednesday April 24. I was holding my 1 week old newborn while my older two boys ages 4 and 6 were outside playing.  My husband had a driveway full of mulch delivered so he was outside refreshing the landscape and there I was.  It hit me.  I was a new momma again and the tears started flowing.  The good thing is they were happy tears.  Our baby boy had been born healthy, our older two were outside playing, well let’s be honest, more fighting then playing, but outside none the less. My hubby had taken some time off of work and I was in the kitchen rocking our sweet babe.  Why the tears then? I said they were happy tears and that they were but with the happy tears came the sacrifice of THE HOUSE! I know all new parents, heck any one with kids can relate to what I am about to share.

The house was a disaster.  I think tornado-ridden towns probably looked better then my house at that point.  I couldn’t even see what color the granite was on the kitchen counter.  I think we have a couch under all the laundry and yes I may have more clothes on the chair in my bedroom then actually hanging in the closet.  Hangers? Who needs them when you have a perfectly good chair in your room that holds clean laundry just the same?  I digress… Anyways. You get it the house was a mess.  That is the reason for the tears.  Amongst the mess was the beautiful life we had created.  Within these 4 walls that we call home there is so much love but sometimes we get caught up in the mess.

So it hit me and I cried, and I mean ugly cried.  It is kind of funny to sit here and type this now because it has only been 6 weeks since I wanted to type this #thisismotherhood #lifewiththreekids #whenIhavefreetimeIgotothebathroom #onedayIwillfinishatask.  Every time I wanted to sit down and prepare this post, one of the “blessings” got in the way.  The baby needed to be fed, I had to play referee to the older boys or just plain needed to spend time with them while the baby was sleeping.  You see while I love all of these things, I needed to work on a balance.  So today while the baby was sleeping I have balanced our checkbook, ordered birth announcements (finally), loaded the dishwasher, played basketball and baseball outside with the boys (thank goodness for baby monitors) and am now sitting down to get this done.  Oh the joys of multitasking at its finest.

Life is all about balance.  It is never easy and not always fun to figure out where you need to be spending your time verses where you WANT to spend your time.  I have goals and dreams and yes some of them will have to wait.  The tradeoff is I get to raise three beautiful boys who hopefully will one day realize how important they are to me.  As moms we love our children so much and want the world for them. We often feel guilty am I spending enough time with them? Do I spend too much time with them? Should I go to Girl’s Night Out?  Should I nap when the baby is or do laundry? The struggle is real! Not all of the blessings in our life are neat and tidy! I have definitely learned this in the past 7 weeks.  I have learned to let go of the order that I used to once feel the house needs to have.  Although I do try and clean off the counter once a week because that is what makes my hubby happy.   It’s the simple things.  My husband and I often joke that he would much rather have the counter cleaned off then any gift I could buy.  🙂  Side note, if you don’t know your spouses love language, I highly recommend you figure it out!

In this season of parenting it is so true that the days are long but the years are short. The days are especially long when it is summer vacation and kids are home (I am only kidding, kind of!)

My husband and I attended A Weekend to Remember back in March and I remember the couple who led it saying “raise kids, you can fill in the holes later” and that totally stuck with me.  The holes in the grass, the walls or whatever can be fixed later.  Now is the time for play and making memories.  So while most days are still a work in progress, I am trying to just let them be little. We make messes, we throw water balloons and play with squirt guns, we burn holes in the shoes (thanks plasma cars) and holes in sweat pants but I know I won’t remember all of that some day, what I will remember is the fun we had, the laughs we shared, the games that were played, the late nights out with neighbors and love that was given each and every day.  Yes, parenting is messy, they don’t give you a manual, but it is our job soak up these blessings and pour into them each day. The house will be a mess, more days than not, and when you can find your kitchen counter, celebrate that as a win!

So I leave you with this as I hear the baby waking up and the boys want a snack.  What will you want your kids to remember when they are graduating from high school, or when they are raising their own children. How clean the house was, or how much fun they had with mom in dad in the pillow fort or playing an intense air hockey tournament? Sometimes the best blessings in our life are the messy blessings.

Until next time may you find joy in your journey!

Welcome to March (Madness).  This year it is totally living up to the name March Madness. Between sub-zero temps and blizzards, now rain on the way who knows if we will see the grass before June.  My oh my and that isn’t even the half of it.

It’s Friday and its been 2 weeks.  2 weeks from what you might ask? Well let’s just say 2 weeks since life has been somewhat in a tumultuous state.  So for those of you that don’t know my birthday was February 18, Happy Birthday to me, right?  Well this year was definitely one for the ages.  The night before my birthday I went to bed a little early and was going to set my alarm for 4:54am which I do every year since it was the time I was actually born, crazy, yes I know! So anyways I get all settled into bed and just as I am about to fall asleep my phone starts vibrating.  It is 9:45pm.  Let me tell you I rarely get phone calls that late unless it is school cancelling. So I turn my phone over and it is my dad’s wife.  At first I am kind of dazed so let it ring and then lay there as the anxiety starts to build.  The phone clicks off and I wait for notification of the voicemail. There is no beep. So I get up and call her back and my younger half-brother answers and says that Dad has been taken to the hospital.  I gasp and ask what happened. They didn’t really have any answers at that point and said they would keep me posted.  I hang up and freeze.  Literally time seemed to stand still.  I walk back to the bed and lay down.  I stare at the window and begin to cry.  That all seems pretty normal right? Well let me give a slight back story.  Up until the last 7 (ish) years I hadn’t talked to my dad.  But, right before I got married I felt it was time to begin to mend wounds.  Long story short I reached out to my dad via Father’s day card.  After that saw each other face-to-face Thanksgiving of 2012, I was pregnant with my oldest son.  My husband came with me and all went well.  It felt good to see my dad.  You see for so many years I called him “father” because “DAD” felt like one of those terms of endearment the you use for someone who did dad like things for you. This may sound a little harsh but my dad and I didn’t have that type of relationship growing up. Anyways, over the last 6 years we have reconnected via phone calls, texts, Christmas cards and a few visits here and there.  Both of our boys have also got to meet Grandpa Major as they called him.

So back to the night of February 17, I lay there in total shock.  All of a sudden all of the years of broken, hurt and anger flooded me. I am so glad that I chose forgiveness, that I put my feelings aside and reconnected before it was too late.  I cried.  It was one of those cries that let go of so many years of emotions.  Could this really be it?

I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep that night and when I got up there had not been any news.   I communicated with Mary (his wife) throughout the day as she tells me that he was diagnosed with influenza A and also had a blood infection.  He hadn’t been feeling well for a couple of days and she decided Sunday night to call 911.  He was not conscious and they weren’t sure to what capacity he would be in if he regained consciousness due to having to resuscitate him twice.  It was not looking very good.  I spent most of my actual birthday fighting with my inner self of “he will pull through” and “you better go visit him just in case he doesn’t recover”.  The latter won out and I drove to Sioux Falls the next morning.  When I got to the hospital I had prepared myself as I wasn’t sure the condition he would be in.  I went up to his bedside and told him I was there.  At first it seemed surreal.  Connected to all the machines and just not looking like himself.  The nurse had said they would do an MRI to see the level of brain function and then his wife could make the decision to remove breathing tube or not. Before I left I told him that I loved him and to take care of himself.  His heart rate spiked a bit and he began to move around.  I asked the nurse if this could be him responding to my voice and he said “it’s hard to tell”.  Anyways I know in my heart that my dad heard my words and knew I was there.  Let me fast forward a bit, by Wednesday night they had removed the breathing tube and he was breathing on his own! When I got the call Thursday that he was breathing on his own I felt a weight lifted.  Prayers were being answered.  The plan was that day to move him to hospice.  After talking to Mary it seemed that it was now up to my dad.   That night I spoke with my half-sister in Texas and we thought he can do this, he can get stronger.  That night at 12:20am before my phone even rang, I heard it ring.  It was so strange.  When I realized that it was actually ringing I picked it up.  It was my dad’s number on caller ID.  I answered and it was Mary telling me that he was gone. I told her I was so sorry, that I hoped he had passed peacefully and then we hung up.  I set the phone down and told my husband that he was gone and then I just went numb.  Again, all those years of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s ran through my mind.  I couldn’t even cry.  I had so many emotions flowing through my body.  Anger, sadness, confusion but most of all peace.  Yes, peace.  Over the last week of him being hospitalized I just kept praying for peace for my dad and told other’s to pray for the same thing.  I knew it was all up to GOD when it was my dad’s time, I just wanted him to go peacefully.  The hardest part through these last two weeks has been that while my dad and I weren’t super close and didn’t see each other regularly,  there just wouldn’t be a next time.  His wife had mentioned that he wanted to be around when my last baby was born (I’m due in mid April), and now he won’t be earth-side to meet this little bundle.  While my heart is at peace that I did make a connection with him before he passed, it still leaves this hole in my heart for the way things had been for so may years.  I know that my dad loved me and through all the anger and years of no communication I still loved him.

Some days I get up and it’s like nothing has happened and other days it will just wash over me this sense of sadness for my dad, that he truly is gone.  Having to explain to my boys that Grandpa Major had gone to heaven was both hard and easy at the same time. For as young as they are (almost 6 and 4).  They seem to get what Heaven is.  My oldest said, “That’s really sad that he died”.  My youngest didn’t really say anything but that night at bed time when we said our prayers I asked if there was anyone he wanted to pray for and he said for my dad.  He said, “I hope Grandpa Major made it to Heaven safely and that I hope that he listens to Jesus.  Like if Jesus tells him to dance like a robot I hope he does, but not with his feet just his arms”.  Oh my sweet boy, yes I hope he listens to Jesus, even if Jesus tells him to dance like a robot.  The innocence of my boys overwhelms my heart and I know that my dad is in Heaven.  My faith continues to comfort me that even if there were some words left unsaid between my dad and I that once he entered Heaven all the answers were there and he knows how I feel.

Of course there have been days that I have struggled with grief because I see friends who have lost their parents and I saw what their grief looked like.  I am here to tell you THERE IS NO NORMAL.  It is a battle that I deal with each day.  It doesn’t matter how close you were to someone who passed away, you will still grieve.  I work through the few happy memories of my dad from when I was a little girl and the memories we have made over the last few years of spending some time with the boys and voicemails and texts that I have saved. It doesn’t matter if we saw each other daily or did daddy/daughter things growing up, in the end he is still my dad and I will grieve.  Sometimes a song will come on or I saw an episode of Chicago Med and it stopped me in my tracks that my dad is gone.  Grief is weird like that, there is no one way and there is definitely no right way! Some days I think “I got this” and then little things like typing this blog will surface emotions I didn’t even know I was feeling.

One thing I want to share as I know I am probably not the only person who has or is grieving someone they lost whom they were not close with or maybe even had a volatile relationship with right up to the end.  Grief is real, it is hard and it is raw.  No matter who you have lost or what your relationship is there just is no normal.  I find extreme comfort in that.  I have felt guilty at times that I am crying because “I wasn’t that close with my dad” or “I didn’t see him very often, so why would I be sad”.  Bottom line, HE WAS MY DAD.  I will grieve and I will celebrate him the best that I can. This is just another chapter in my journey and I will turn in to my faith to help, along with some pretty awesome friends and family! I come back to one of my favorite bible verses John 16:33 ~ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world”. Another favorite in times of like these is Jeremiah 29:11 ~ “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I know I have mentioned this before and I will say again.  God is bigger than all of this.  All the suffering, the hurt and the sadness, he is bigger.  He is the rock that I need! While my relationship with my dad wasn’t perfect on this earth, I rest in knowing that some day we will meet again and all will be well!

To anyone who is grieving the loss of someone, may it be a parent, sibling, child,  or friend, even if the relationship was less than loving.   There is no normal.  Your grief doesn’t look like mine nor should it.  If you want to chat about grief I would love to chat with you.

So here I sit, it has been two weeks and while today is a good day, who knows what tomorrow will bring.  I will embrace this thing called grief and continue to live each day with the people in my life and welcome new people as well.  Each day is too short. Love hard, laugh lots and don’t leave words unsaid.  I am so thankful for the time that I did have with my dad.

Until next time, while it may be hard at times, may you find joy in your journey.

A couple of weeks ago our church wrapped up a message series titled Man Up.  The last week ended with the worship team singing a rendition of Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson.  First of all it was Ah-Mazing! Not only was the musical portion great, it was a great song that got me thinking and my spirit moving.  Even though the song was released in January 1988, a mere 31 years ago it is still captivating to me.  While the series was more catered to men and their role in family, work etc.  As a woman I really gained something from the series.  When you really pay attention to the lyrics of Man In the Mirror imagine the words directly speaking to you.

I’m gonna make a change,
For once I’m my life
It’s gonna feel real good,
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right

Holy Cow, where did time go? It is already the second week of January 2019!!! We are in a new year with new goals, ambitions and who knows what else! At the same time of looking forward to the new year how many of us are recovering from what I call the “holiday hangover”.  NO I don’t mean from drinking too much all of December.  Being pregnant definitely helped with no actual hangover.  What I mean by holiday hangover is that you are recovering from all the fa la la la la la la la la. Hopefully by now all of the Christmas songs that were on repeat have left your head and maybe just maybe the Christmas decor is stuffed back in totes until next year.  If any of you were like my husband they were put away before New Years Eve, which is somewhat a first for us.  We didn’t have kids for 4 days the weekend after Christmas so he used that time to get stuff put away while I spent it not feeling well.  I had a fairly decent size to do list while we were kid free and well God had other plans for me.  I battled what I thought was a torn ligament in my abdomen (isn’t pregnancy fun) but ended up being just a 4 day stomach bug.  Hello new year weight loss, right?!

Anyways back to the “Holiday Hangover”…In all seriousness this is a real thing for many people.  From about mid to late October to the start of the new year we cram as much holiday cheer into our lives.  We have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.  Whew! I am tired just typing these words and thinking back to what they entailed.  Many of us travel near and far over the last months of the year to see extended families, friends and loved ones.  Some stay put and others come and visit us at our homes, which brings about a different kind of chaos, from meal planning to finding fun family activities to keep everyone busy and entertained. While the holidays are not meant to be negative, they can often harbor feelings of resentment, sorrow, jealousy, pain and flat-out depression.  For some this holiday season contained a lot of “firsts” maybe it was a first holiday without a loved one, or maybe it was the first holiday “sharing’ kids with your ex-spouse due to divorce, or maybe it was first holiday sober or spent with a loved one who was sober for the first time.  What we often forget as we go about our holiday plans is that while for us it may be a time of joy and Christmas Cheer, for others it is a time of sadness, anxiety, anger and confusion while they battle getting though each day.

While my family didn’t have any deaths we had a different holiday as my 96-year-old Nana was recovering from two emergency surgeries in a weeks time the week before Christmas.  So while she recovered from the surgery she spent days leading up to Christmas in a rehab facility getting her strength back in hopes that she would be able to return to her own home.  Let me tell you this was a different Christmas for lots of my family.  There definitely was not Christmas cheer.  We went day-to-day wondering about her recovery and what the future held.  Not exactly the Christmas plans we thought we would have.  There was no Christmas dinner prepared just some quiet time spent with family as we prayed and loved each other.  While it was not ideal, it was all we needed.  This year definitely helped me to slow down and remember what is truly important and that Jesus was born to save us all.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth

~John 1:14

The holidays can be messy, they can be hard, they can shake you to your core.  What we can remember is that Jesus was born to save us.  No matter what we are going through it is not bigger than him.  There is Hope. It can come in all shapes, sizes, and signs.  It may be the sunshine that peeks through on a cloudy day, or a call from a dear friend telling you how important you are to them.  It may be a heart-felt gift from someone or even a card.  Don’t get caught up in the BIG things. Look for the hope and goodness everywhere.

As we embark on a new year, month and day, look for the good.  Take a deep breath. Slow down.  While we promise ourselves each year that the next holiday season isn’t going to be so crazy and we are going to keep it simple, once the holidays roll around its easy to forget the mantra we made the previous year.  What we can do is recover after.  Relish in silence. Spend time in the Word, find a devotional and take time for conversation with friends or even the stranger you meet. We get so hung up on New Years resolutions that involve weight loss, clean eating and exercise we forget to better our minds and our spiritual growth.  Wether it be reading or conversations.  I encourage you to take a couple of minutes a day and open the bible.  Hey you can even find an app for that! Let this be the year that you grow (in a positive way) spiritually and mentally.  Instead of looking for the ways to “lose” in the new year, look for ways to GROW!

No day is going to be perfect, and even if a day is we can almost bet the next day will have challenges. Take each day and make it the best. I wish you all a blessed, happy, and healthy 2019! Let’s make a mark on this year, why not start today…

May you find joy in the 2019 journey!

Ok. Let’s stop right there.  Before people get confused and wonder if this post is about my husband, let me clarify, it is NOT.  Nor is it about any other guy that I dated.  Whew, so if you are an ex reading this, don’t worry, I am not about to put you on blast.  This post is far more serious.  It is about a man who even when I am at my absolute worst, still is there for me and loves me unconditionally.  Still think this is about my husband.  Answer is still no.

Let me introduce you to this guy I know…Jesus!  I am sure that this post already may have turned some of you off, and that is ok.  But I am truly serious.  Over the years as I have grown as a Christian there is one area that I still struggle with…motherhood.   No matter how much I thought I was prepared for this role, when I actually became a mom was more then life-changing.  I no longer was responsible for just myself.  I had a little human who was a part of my life and had grown into their very existence from inside of me.  Man, talk about pressure.  Now I know no day is perfect and no day ever will be.  What I do know is that when I start to question my role as a mom if I turn those fears and anxieties over to Christ it helps bring me back to center.  I don’t have to be a perfect mother, let’s face it, no matter how many Pinterest parties I plan or stellar costumes I put together, PERFECTION just isn’t in the cards.  What I can be is a mom who loves Jesus and is doing her best to be a good mom. What I often forget is that Jesus died on the cross for all of my sins.  Let me repeat ALL of my sins. The price has been paid. He already knows that I am not perfect and HE doesn’t expect me to be.  There is no pressure.  The only pressure is that which we inflict upon ourselves.  As a mom, I have never felt more closer to Jesus.  I pray daily that HE be with my children when I cannot be with them, that they know who He is and that He will always be with them.  Psalm 127:3 states that Children are a gift from the Lord. They are a reward from Him.  Once I truly realized and embraced this I felt my attitude change.

There are so many things that we want to pass on to our children, show them places from our background, give them the best childhood experiences etc, etc.  What we often forget as Christians is that one of the best things we can give them is Jesus.  Talk about Jesus, share bible stories, pray with them and encourage them as they begin their faith walk.  One thing that I do remember as a young kid was going to church with my family.  After church we had breakfast at my Nana and Pa’s.  It was a pretty regular occurrence.  Now I can’t say that I remember much from my church experience as a kid and that is largely because we didn’t have a children’s ministry so I just had to sit up with the adults and listen to the sermon.  If I am honest, most of it went over my head.  I went to Wednesday night CCD and went through the routine of “church”.  Now I am not blaming or shaming anyone, but now that I am older and actually have a relationship with Jesus, I pray that my children have relationship with HIM too and not just because I tell them too.  As a mom of two rough and tumble, sensitive at times and ornery little boys, nothing warms my heart more then when they come home and talk about a bible story they learned at church or hear christian music come on the radio and start singing the words!  Those are the days that I stop and think, “they are getting it”.   Their little hearts are opening up and embracing Jesus.  Just today my littlest and I were talking about Heaven.  In the last few months there has been talk of death from pets to people indirectly involved in our life.  His little voice got so high and he said, “their dog went to doggy heaven, that’s where Bella-boo-boo went.  That’s where God is and Jesus too, but Jesus is also in our hearts.”  I almost had to pull the car over.  My momma heart was so full!!! These little bits of joy help me make it through when the tough days rear its ugly head.  While I could talk all day about little kids and their love for Jesus that is not the main point.

As a woman, wife, mom, friend, sister, whatever role(s) you fill each day, there is always someone who is there for you no matter what.  The best thing is that He is even closer then the cliche “just a phone call away”.  Jesus is there 24/7 all you have to do is talk.  No phone calls necessary, although if you want to use your phone so you don’t look like you are talking to yourself, feel free, no judgement.  In all seriousness though, when times are tough and you may not feel like sharing things with friends or family or your normal go to gal, try giving it to God.  Over the last few weeks our family has had a constant need for prayer, wether for health, jobs, general sanity and peace.  I am beginning to wonder how I ever did it without talking to God.  I mean yea, I have been praying since I was a little girl, but I don’t think I actually had conversations with God.  I mean real, specific, heart to heart, deep level conversations.  The sense of peace, the encouragement and overall calm feelings this generates is something I have never experienced before.  To some this may all sound a little hokey and I get it.  I probably would have too if this was 5-10 years ago.  I guess all I am saying is if you are in a place right now where you could use an extra, non-judgmental ear, give it a try.  What’s the worst that could happen?  You may not “hear” anything at first, but the key is when God answers back, it may not actually be a voice, it could be a sign, or running into someone you know, or just feeling “lighter”.  The hardest part is to not get to wrapped up in the waiting for God to respond.  He has his own time. I can truly attest to this! So have a chat, and then wait, but don’t wait stagnantly.  I hope this makes sense.  In the end, we are all just doing are best and while some days are going to be better then others just know that HE is for you! HE will always be there for you, HE has already paid the price, so give it a shot. You may just be surprised what is waiting for you around the corner…

until next time, may you have find joy in your journey!

Trigger warning…

October 15.  It was never a day that I never paid much attention to, never really understood the meaning.  Its the middle of the month but besides that never had significant meaning in my life.  Until now…

Let me back up to about 3 years ago.  Our youngest son was almost 1 and I had that itch again.  You see when my husband and I got married we were in our 30’s already (old right?) and knew we wanted to have children.  We never really decided on how many children we wanted just that we for sure wanted them.  So we got started.  Lucky for me because I am not much of a patient person (those of you who know me get to see this  wonderful quality all too often) and we ended up getting pregnant the month after we got married.  I had a healthy pregnancy and we had our first little boy via c-section on April 15, 2013.  Around January of 2014 we decided we were ready to try for another sweet little babe.  So we got started the week we celebrated our first born’s first birthday I found out I was pregnant with our second little miracle.  All systems were a go and pregnancy again was pretty smooth with a scheduled c-section for December 26, 2014.  Well little did we know I was carrying a feisty little red-headed boy who wanted to make his own debut and not the day after Christmas.  So on December 17, 2014 we welcomed our second son into our near complete family.  I say near complete because I still had this little inkling.  This little empty space that said, “maybe one more”.  Anyways we bring home our second little guy and all is going well.  Yet I can’t seem to shake this little voice, is it God, is it just crazy talk, I mean who wants to have three children?  I say that tongue in cheek, because for the longest time even though I heard this voice I thought two was the perfect number.  Actually my husband and I both thought two was the perfect number.  It was an even number, it fix nicely all boxed up and we didn’t need a different car with a third row.  Could I even drive an SUV that had a third row, they seemed huge at the time.  So as the year 2016 came to a close I began my journey of prayer…

I don’t know why but for some reason most of our decisions that factor with having children all happen in January.  January 2017 came and went I had started praying every night.  In the beginning it was a prayer for Matt to open his heart to wanting to have another child.  We would see every diaper commercial possible and we don’t even have cable.  We stream all shows minus a few watch live when we are able to with our digital satellite. Every show that we watched had something to deal with children.  From Chicago Fire, Med, PD, SWAT, and the obvious This Is US.  I thought for sure it was God giving me the signs that we were supposed to have another child.  The topic of having a third child came up daily conversations (poor guy, right?).  I felt bad but it was just this “thing” that was brewing inside me.  Mid way through the year my prayer changed. It went from praying for my hubby to want to have another baby to letting my heart be content with the two wonderful, rambunctious little boys that we had.  I knew either way hearts were going to have to change.  The diaper commercials continued and pretty much everyone around me (or so it seemed) was having their third child.  I even did some market research and asked a couple of friends who had three children already what was it really like?  All of their responses were pretty much the same.  It was tough in the beginning but it got easier as the baby got older.  So of course I passed all this info on to my hubby and still didn’t seem to make him budge much.  I knew time was “running out”.  I knew if we didn’t have a child within the next year we probably wouldn’t.  We were both getting older and didn’t want to have child too late in our life since the boys were now 5 and 3.  So as 2017 came to a close I had reasoned with myself that we were not going to be having any more children.  Until the second weekend in January 2018.  We had put the boys to bed and were sitting downstairs at the bar chatting about life and what not when all of a sudden he said the words.  “A small part of me thinks I could handle having another baby”.  Let me tell you it was like every fireworks stand was suddenly lit at the same time.  At this point I knew for sure God answers prayers.  I had prayed daily for a whole year and it was finally happening, my husband wanted to try for another baby.  I did everything I could to keep myself composed and answered back, “really?”.  He said, “yea I guess I am”.  Of course since my husband is far more rational and logical then I am he said we would have to discuss it further before we came to a “for sure” yes, but I was already done!  My answer was shouting loud and clear, “YES!”  So about a week later we talked about a few things that would probably need to take place before, during and after we would get pregnant.  We both agreed to “our terms”. I know that sounds silly but we have always joked about the “roommate agreement”, much like what Sheldon and Lenard from the Big Bang Theory have, except ours is more of a marriage agreement if you will.  It’s all in good fun.  So you may be asking what and how does this have anything to do with October 15?! Let me tell you.

We started actively trying for our third child in February 2018.  I had hoped this journey would be much like our other two, easy.  Well part of that was right.  The small glitch was that we were planning a trip to Disney Land in June so at first we weren’t sure if we should wait until after the trip to start trying.  I thought, nah, what if it takes a while to get pregnant, and even if I do get pregnant, hundreds of women go to Disney while being pregnant.  I for sure would sacrifice not being able to go on rides for our third child.  February came and went and then on to March  and April.  No luck.  I was not getting pregnant.  So I thought, it was all good, we would go to Disney and then resume trying when we got back.  After all we had planned a day date to a few wineries while we were there as we would be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary over the week we were in  California. Well May 14, our oldest son graduated from preschool and I was such an emotional mess.  So the next day I thought hmm, it is getting close enough to when my next period would start so why not take a test.  So I did just that.  What I didn’t expect was to see two little lines!  My first reaction was shock, my second was, oops what about rollercoasters and wineries, my third was Thank You Jesus.  I was 3 weeks and 2 days when I found out.  I had the boys make a cute little sign to show my husband when he got home that night.  He was in shock as well and then the next day settled into reality that it was really going to happen.  So I was all of a 4 weeks pregnant and decided to tell my family and some very close friends.  A few neighbors also found out well, because lets just say I couldn’t have a cocktail with them anymore during our cul-de-sac events.  A couple weeks go by and Thursday May 31 I am getting ready to head to a play date with some ladies from my pretty amazing tribe.  The morning is going just fine and I was just about ready to head to the car when I decided to hit up the bathroom one last time before I left.  BOOM. There it was. BLOOD.  My skin immediately flushed and I thought, no, this for sure is not happening.  I thought about calling and telling my friends I can’t make it to the play date but then decide no, I need to go.  So I gather up the boys and get into the car.  Once I get to my friend’s house I briefly tell them what was going on and that I had a call into my doctor.  Because I have the very best of women in my life they said whatever I needed they were there for me.  If I needed to leave the boys and go to doctor that was fine.  WHEW, everything was happening so fast.  They did their best to reassure me that it was probably nothing and that the doctor would call back and it would all be fine.  I did my best to hide the fact that I already knew what was happening and that this was the end.

The nurse called me back and said they would put a note into the doctor and then call me back with a plan.  Well the day came and went and I didn’t get a call back.  The bleeding continued and the cramping set in. After a few hours of hanging with the most wonderful and supportive women I could have asked for I took the boys home.  I got home and had given my hubby a heads up on what was happening but still trying to be positive.  Let me tell you, I haven’t cried that much in years.  Full on ugly crying.  I turned on a movie for the boys and pretty much let them binge on Netflix.  I paced, cried, paced some more and prayed every prayer possible to not let THIS be happening. I knew that these things happened, just not to me! Here is where I know God has a plan and is working that plan daily in my life.  Over the course of the last year and a half I had heard some pretty heartbreaking stories of women who had dealt with miscarriages, friends I had known had one and even a gal on my soap had had a chemical pregnancy. Through my MOPS group we did a panel in October 2017 we did a panel on pregnancy and infant loss and had Healing Embrace come and speak. In 24 hours I felt every emotion possible. The anger, sadness, disappointment, rage, anxiousness, everything.  I asked God, why me? I thought and rethought about what I had done over the past two weeks to make this happen?  Did I not drink enough water, was my diet not healthy enough?  I blamed myself.  I begged God to save this baby that I had so desperately prayed for.  That night was a pretty quiet one.  I slept most of the afternoon and when my hubby got home it was pretty much supper, bath time and put the boys to bed. I grabbed a book and settled in for the night after chatting with my hubby a bit before going to sleep. What happened next is a true sign of faithfulness.  Friday, June 1, I awoke and just as it was a new month, I felt like a new person.  My doctor’s nurse followed back up with me and had me go in to the lab to do some blood work to confirm what I knew had happened.  They called me a few hours later with the results.  I was no longer pregnant. She explained that my levels were pretty low and it was more then likely a chemical pregnancy.  What?! I had heard of that just weeks ago from my favorite soap, Young & the Restless.  It was the craziest thing. She explained that day body should return to normal and that if we still wanted to try again we would be clear to try again in a month. My heart was at ease.  I felt the weight lifted.  There are no other words to explain it other then a pure miracle.  God had not punished me, what he had done was put some amazing people in my life to help me through this time.  I called one of my dear friends that day and told her “you know, I am not a part of a pretty elite group of women”.  It is not a group that women want to be a part of yet nonetheless here I am.  The really weird part of this whole journey was that as we were trying for our baby and even after I got pregnant I had this pit in my stomach that I would have a miscarriage.  Not that I wanted to have one, I mean who does?  But I just felt that God knew I would be ok.  I could handle anything when I turned to him. You know what, He was right!!! I needed 24 hours to process all the emotions and then I felt this sort of peace come over me that can only come from God.  Don’t get me wrong for a few days/weeks after I had my sad moments, especially when we had to tell our families the sad news. My husband was very supportive and assured me that we would try again. This was huge for me because I thought after getting pregnant this last time that was our last chance and then it was gone.   The silver lining is that we went to Disney, Legoland and the wineries and had the BEST time.  My heart shifted and I knew God was at work.  We came back home and started to try again.  We had one last summer trip to Mexico and all tests came back negative so I took a deep breath and enjoyed the vacation, drinks and all!  Little did  I know, God wasn’t done yet.  My cycle was supposed to start while we were on vacation and it never did, I even took one more test and still negative.

The night we returned home from Mexico I took another test as I was now a day late.  There they were two little pink lines!  I was so happy.  Then for a brief minute scared.  Like really scared.  Would the same thing happen?  Don’t get to excited because we know what happened last time.  So I had my blood drawn twice and all things were good so far.   So I wait for the first appointment… 8 weeks, I get to go in and have an ultrasound.  I can’t even begin to explain the anxiety that came over me the day before my appointment and the day of.  I had not had any bleeding but there was still the fear of what if there wasn’t a heartbeat? We get to the appointment and the ultrasound is first.  I have never seen a sight more beautiful then the flutter of a heartbeat and the sound of one!  I still know that nothing is for certain, but I do know, that I am embracing this pregnancy and all that comes with it.  So today on October 15, I had my 12 week appointment, heartbeat is still strong and steady, baby is growing and all things look good.  Today is different.  Today, while I celebrate a pregnancy, I also celebrate a loss.  This is my 4th pregnancy, which is still hard to swallow and sounds so weird even to me. I have an angel baby.  As sad as that is, I still have peace knowing that God has embraced with little angel with unconditional love.  Another way that my mind processed my loss was knowing that there was a mother in heaven that left behind her children.  My angel baby is being loved on by a mother who left her children too soon.  This is my peace.  This is what fills the empty space.  I am counting every blessing that God has given me. Even in my loss, there is a blessing to take from it.

I know not everyone who experiences pregnancy loss or miscarriages is at the same place I am.  I do know that instead of questioning my faith, turning into it was what helped me get out of the darkness.  I am now able to share my story opening and hopefully through sharing will help others through their healing process.

I never thought I would be able to say I have had a miscarriage.  But now I am saying it openly.  It is not something that should be shamed or feel guilty over. In fact as women who have experienced them, we need to band together  I truly believe God has a plan, and while there are days I don’t understand it (like at all), I have faith that God will be there through it all.  Shortly after I suffered my loss I was sitting in church and the message series was covering chapters out of the book of John. When the verse 16:33 was read, my head immediately popped up.  It was like it was meant for me to hear, that day, that hour, in that space.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” 16:33 NLT

So mommas as I sit here and type I want each of you to know. My prayer is for all of you, any of you who have dealt with this devastating type of loss, is one of hope, healing and trusting in God’s word.  Please reach out to me or any one you are close to if you want to chat.  A loss is something that is never going to be replaced.  I never got to see an ultrasound or hear a heartbeat but to me this baby will always have a place in my heart.  I loved this lil babe from the first positive test.  One of the things that comforted my heart was knowing this sweet little miracle knew nothing but total unconditional love.  My heart is a little fuller today, the pain is less and I am definitely counting every blessing.  So on this October 15, a day that used to never really mean anything to me, it means something now, celebrating a life that was too precious for earth but will forever be in our hearts.  So we light our candle to honor our precious heavenly blessings and for all those angels who we never held or only held for short time.  May God forever wrap them in eternal love.

May you find comfort in the LORD and as always may you find joy in the journey.

Today is a raining cool, fall day and what better day to write about a topic that is sometimes dreary as well.  Parenting, better yet, when your kids don’t listen.  I am not sure about you but there are some days that really test my patience as a parent.  I mean how many times can I say put “this” away or go get your shoes on.  Sometimes I wonder am I speaking a different language? Do my children have hearing loss? Yes, sometimes my thoughts go there.  Then begins the cycle.  As I like the call it “yell, hug, repeat”.  Yell, hug, repeat is a REAL thing.  For the longest time I have struggled with being a “yeller”.  I was raised by my mom and let me tell you she was a yeller! I was barely spanked that I can remember but I am not sure what was worse, a spanking or  yelling.  So of course as I became a mom, I SWORE that I would not be a yeller.  Have you ever done that? Swore to not do something your parents did?  Hmmm how long did that last?!  Yep, I am a yeller.  While it is not something I am proud of; I do find some peace in knowing that I am not a parent who likes to spank.

As I have met more friends and parents who have children the same age as my boys I have learned that I am not the only parent who yells.  Earth-shattering right!? I mean for the longest time I carried so much guilt that I was the only momma who yelled when I got upset at my boys.  Now, just because I have aligned with other parents who yell, does not make it right, nor do I condone it.  What I want to talk about is what we can do to try to minimize the yell, hug, repeat cycle.  First let me define the cycle and then determine if you ever fall into this cycle as well.

Yell, hug, repeat, as I define it is when you get upset at your child for (insert behavior), they have consequence or get mad at you as well.  Then once the yelling is done you hug it out and remember how much you love your little feisty child and of course say those infamous words of “I am never going to yell like that again”.  AND, now for the repeat…it may be days, weeks or even a few minutes later and the ridiculous cycle starts all over! It pains me to say that this cycle for me can happen multiple times a day on a truly bad day.     I get all worked up, beat myself up and cry right along with my kid because I feel awful for yelling. But what can I say, I am human and make mistakes and as a parent we all have a limit.  The great thing is there is hope and I can change.  We all can. Like I said before I am so not proud of my own behavior when I get into this cycle but I am here to say that when I take time to make sure my own world is firing on all cylinders the cycle happens fewer and far between.

Of course it takes a lot for my world to fire on all cylinders.  An example would be: I get enough sleep, not allow myself to get hungry, take time to speak to God, through prayers, devotions or even chats with friends about faith topics, I get my morning walk in, and feel productive as a mom/wife/friend/daughter etc.  WOW what a list right? How many days a week does this actually all fall into place, hmmm, maybe once.  But let me tell you when all is well it is magical.  I feel like such a better parent.  Can any of you relate? Your world falling into place may seem like the presence of a unicorn needs to happen and unfortunately life happens and each day is not going to be like this.  I know the biggest thing that needs to happen in my life is I need time with God.  I need to be able to slow down and take a few minutes to get myself right and ask for grace and then I am able to be a better person throughout the day.  I am not perfect and if I take time to draw near to the one who is, my cup can be poured into allowing me to also give more grace to the little boys who have all of my heart.  Today was one of those days.  I was able to get plenty of sleep (everyone stayed in their own beds and slept all night), I laid out the morning plans for the boys so they knew what to expect and how much time they had for their morning routine, I had coffee and great conversation with a dear friend and then put down my phone and actually played in the playroom with a bunch of toys that my 3-year-old hasn’t touched in months.  Getting down on the floor and playing was so much fun and I am pretty sure it meant the world to him.  Yes, I had a list of things to do and things I wanted to be doing but taking a half hour to play was just what my soul needed to recharge.

So how can we help stop the yell, hug, repeat cycle.  1. Take time for yourself.  Self care is so huge and I know a lot of people minimize how important it is.  Let me ask you, if you are not your best self, how can you be your best to the loved ones in your life? There is no shame in the game of self-care.  2. Take time to be present with your kids.  Yes there are 24 hours in a day and we pretty much pack as much as we can into each day due to school, work, social media, sports, homework, friends etc.  Even if we just spend 20 minutes of quality time it will mean so much to our children.  I know I am guilty of putting my wants/needs ahead of my kiddos.  There are days I just want to veg and check out whats on my phone and then get upset when they want to watch a show or use my phone.  So I need to be better at putting my phone down and being with my kids.

Yell, hug, repeat is a real thing in my life, and it may be real in your life too.  Or you may have your own type of cycle that you and your family fall into. Whatever your cycle is, know that it doesn’t have to be that way.  Also know that other people may be experiencing the cycle as well.  Like I have said before find your tribe! You are not perfect and nobody expects you to be.  You are loved! As we are all on this crazy ride called parenting I would love to hear from you.  Do you experience the yell, hug, repeat cycle or has this post made you realize you have a different cycle all together when it comes to parenting.  Let me know, we are all in this together!

Until next time, may you find you in your journey! Happy Fall!